Journal - Day Four

Do not let any unwholesome talk come

out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for

building others up according to their needs,

that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

From very early on in our relationship, I was encouraged and challenged to be Duncan's biggest fan. This doesn't mean that I always agree with what he does, but it means that I won't put him down or treat him with disrespect - especially in front of our children - but also when talking to others. I have purposed to surround myself and be held accountable by women of like mind, so that I am not tempted to get into husband-bashing. Our society does not support this mind-set, but I hold firmly to the fact that it is healthy for our relationship and for me - for when we dwell on the negative, we are sure to find it!

Along these lines, my friend Rachel recently ordered & mailed me a book by Shaunti Feldhahn - For Women Only - What you need to know about the inner lives of men. The book is "...full of eye opening revelations you need to not only understand the man in your life, but to support and love him in the way he needs to be loved. Grounded in biblical hope, you will discover how to love your man for how he really is - not who you think he is."

Germany - 2008

Here is the next entry from the journal Duncan wrote for me to read while I was out of town in March.

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Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Proverbs 31:23

My Incredible Wife;

One of the by-products of your life and love is that I enjoy the respect and admiration of others. Your actions and attitudes bring me praise and the respect of others.

It is because others besides myself see you and your character, gifts, abilities & attitudes and see a woman worthy of praise. As a result of the high esteem that they have for you I get to share in that glory. I share in your honor and praise-worthiness.

I love that I am blessed by you simply by association with you. Because of you I receive honor and praise. I look good simply because I was lucky enough to have you marry me.

-Your Thankful Husband


Journal Introduction
Journal Entry Day 1
Journal Entry Day 2
Journal Entry Day 3

Journal - Day Three

Here is the next installment of some of Duncan's thoughts that he put down in a journal for me this past month. This brought up some discussion between us and we talked about the fact that I had no idea what a 'healthy' relationship looked like back in 1996. We had both recently had very difficult break-ups when we met. We spent time getting to know each other and we realized we had similar goals for our lives (ministry/missions). I noticed how teachable and passionate he was about helping people with their relationships with God & each other.

In the course of our friendship, we grew to know a lot about each other and decided to make it healthy from the beginning. We pursued counseling and did 6 months of pre-engagement counseling and then 6 months of premarital counseling. We continued meeting with our mentor for the next 7 years - making it a fun date-night once a month - until we moved away from where he was located. Our time with him inspired us to pursue training with Marriage Savers and we now offer pre-engagement and premarital counseling within our local church.

Duncan is a gifted counselor. He has a way of reading the underlying message of what people are saying - and he uses his gift of communication to gently show/teach/guide them to healthy conflict resolution. I am blessed to be married to this amazing man and consider it pure joy that he is honored to have me as his wife. I strive to love and respect him in all things; gently challenging and encouraging him as situations allow.

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A wife of noble
character who can
find? She is worth
far more than rubies.
Proverbs 31:10

My Noble Wife,

I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to have you as my wife. You truly are a woman of noble character.

I admire so much about you. You are excellent in who you are and what you do. I praise the day that God brought you into my life.

I did not know what I was looking for in a wife but God knew what I needed. I needed you. You make me complete. I could never measure your worth to me as it is unmeasurable. It is far greater than any of the riches of this world.

I am truly blessed by having you as my wife. I wish I could take credit for 'finding' you but God brought you to me. You were an answer to a prayer. And you have far exceeded anything I could have hoped for in a wife.

I have found an excellent, noble wife and I am so thankful that I have. Thank you for agreeing to be my wife.

I love you with all my heart and consider myself truly blessed by God to have you.

-- Your husband

Journal Introduction
Journal Entry Day 1
Journal Entry Day 2

Journal - Day Two

Have they tools ready.
God will find the work.
Charles Kingsley

I am so proud of you. You are incredibly talented and gifted. God has given you so many unique gifts and a heart to use them.

I am confident in your ability to excel at the task God has set before you here in Germany. You are very smart and can see your way through to solutions. You work hard on tasks that you are given and have the ability to streamline and simplify tasks so that they can be done more quickly and easily. You see chaos and then can visualize the order that the chaos can become. In this respect you share the image of God who brought order and beauty out of the chaos of the universe. You have a heart for God and are willing with humility to apply the truth of God's word to your life. You also have great wisdom and insight to apply God's truth to others. Your keen mind sees through confusion to discern truth.

You are steadfast and loyal. You are self-sacrificing in your love for others:me, the kids and friends - and so many others. You are giving and generous. You stick to your convictions and are faithful.

You are also silly and fun to be with. You have great gifts of hospitality and use your love of others and humor to make others feel loved and cared for, to make them feel welcome and at home.

These are just some of the "tools" in the toolbox God has given you. I know that you will use them well, bringing glory to God.

I am so proud of you! Duncan

Journal Introduction
Journal Entry Day 1

Journal - Day One

We never live so intensely as when we love strongly.
We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we
are in the full glow of love for others.

Walter Raushenbush

My Love,

From the first day I met you I have been captivated by you. You quickly became my cherished friend. The more I learned of your heart, your character and qualities the more I wanted to know.

You still surprise me with things I need to learn about you. I feel I could spend my whole life studying the incredible person that you are and still find more to know and more to love.

Today's quote talks about living intensely. I feel that my life with you has brought me intensities of joy, laughter, peace and love! And as today's quote states, I feel like I have learned more about myself, have believed in myself and achieved more than I could have ever done without your love to show me.

God has used you in my life to teach me, grow me, stretch me and make me into the man He intended me to be. I am not done yet, but I look forward to even more things to come.

Thank you for your steadfast love. Thank you for your commitment to your personal growth, your growth in your relationship with God, to growing closer with me and to our relationship.

After these many years I am still completely captivated and enthralled by you. Your beauty of heart and spirit keeps me pursuing deeper into your soul and wanting to see and know more of you. I will never tire of this and am excited by what I wills till discover about you.

I love you now and forever.

Your loving husband

Journal Introduction

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What a treasure it is to be married to this man. I could say the same things in response to him as he wrote in my journal. I have learned so much in the course of our relationship - so much about patience, flexibility as well as being teachable. I can't wait to see all the things that God has in store for us as we stay commited to Him and to our relationship!

Journal Introduction

Journal Intro

My Dearest Love:

It is with great joy that I watch you go forth to serve and do what God has gifted and called you to do. However, my joy is tinged with sorrow as I will be apart from you many days.

I decided therefore to send this journal with you so that daily I, though not with you, could tell you of my love and admiration for you.

I have included an entry for each day of your trip...as well as space for you to write.

I look forward to your return but rejoice in the opportunity you have to do this.

Know that I love you with all my heart and that I will miss you terribly. I know that you will have a great time and I am proud of you and your abilities, knowing that the work you do will be amazing.

I love you and am looking forward to your return.

Your loving husband

Journal Entry

From inside the cover:

"No cord or cable can
draw so forcibly, or bind
so fast as love can do
with a single thread."

Robert Burton

Language of Love

Growing up in a large family, we all had different views of our childhood. It wasn't until I read the 5 Love Languages that I began to understand how our personality affected our perception of circumstances.

The basic love languages are:

Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Gifts

When Duncan and I got serious about dating each other, we read the book together and wrote down our highest scoring love languages. Not surprising to me, mine were Acts of Service and Quality Time, with Words of Affirmation right up there. Duncan's was Physical Touch and Quality Time, with Words of Affirmation a close follower. We learned early on in our relationship to express love to each other in the chosen language - he would do dishes without being asked (Acts of Service), I would sit beside him on the couch while watching TV or a movie (Physical Touch). We did great on Quality Time - since it was so high-ranking for both of us - but we've had to fine-tune what it looks like as our circumstances have changed.

We were both doing a pretty good job, but sometimes felt like the other top ranking love languages were taking a back-seat. We began to wonder if they were evolving through the years. While I still loved that he did dishes or took care of the kids, that no longer spoke the volumes that it had in the past.

After helping some of our mentor couples evaluate their love languages, we decided to re-take the 'test'. It turns out that my Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation have flip-flopped places. So, we discussed this and tried to put some other aspects into place to express love to each other in a practical way.

Duncan is an amazing man. He loves God whole-heartedly, is teachable and wants to be the best husband and father he can be. He continually proves this by his expression of love towards me. While I was preparing to go to Germany for 2 weeks, he bought a journal (and a plethora of cards) to write personalized notes to me. He took either a poem or a portion of Scripture and wrote something he admired/loved about me. This blessed me beyond belief and my love tank was so full of all those words of affirmation! (I felt like my little offering of notes throughout the house and tags on his pop-cans were pittance comparatively, but I was encouraged to be more verbally demonstrative in my love for my husband.)


Since I do most of the posting on here, over the next few days I will post some of his journal entries to share his thoughts with you.

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What are your love languages?
How are you doing at expressing love to other people when you know their 'language'?